Is It Childish to Want an Ally? (Reflections at 35)

At 35, we are told we should be "settled." We should be "professional." We should be "mature." But lately, I’ve been sitting with a feeling that some might call childish, though I’m starting to think it’s just deeply human: I want someone who always takes my side. 

When I was in an insane shit, I looked around for the people I had been so careful to stay on good terms with. And I realized: I was completely alone.

You realize that "superficial peace" is a fragile thing; it evaporates the second things get difficult. I had to stand my ground, defend my integrity, and navigate the mess without a single person truly taking my side. 

It’s easy to feel a sense of self-pity when you look back at those lonely battles. But I’m trying to flip the script. Now that I’m not in that environment, I’m setting a new standard for my life in Sweden. 

I felt like 35 was a late age to be learning that "getting along" doesn't buy you an ally. But then, I decided to stop overthinking and start moving. When I was in the thick of the drama, my mind was a mess. 

But when I started working out, the narrative changed. You can’t feel sorry for yourself when you’re focusing on your breath or pushing through that final set. Working out became a way to physically expel the frustration of those superficial relationships. I realized that while I still want a "ride-or-die" friend or a partner who takes my side, I have to be the first person in line to take my own side.